Did everyone survive the 4th of July? That’s a trick question. Why? Because statistically speaking that’s an impossibility. Google it if you don’t believe me…cuz Google never lies. Now Wikepedia on the other hand is a notty bitch that tells falsehoods for fun…Google it.
I digress, let’s talk a bit about mortality, statistically speaking. Mortality is something that concerns me only in so much as how it pertains to me. The irony though is that once my mortality comes to an end I will no longer care about it. It’s tricky, this investment in mortality.
What exactly the fuck are you talking about you ask? ( I know this because I just asked myself the same question)
Let’s see….what are the bullet points….?
- 4th of July
- Wikipedia
- Statistics
- Mortality
Ok, well let’s dumb this down….I don’t really give a shit about statistics. Regardless of what I just said. That class was a snoozer. I was statistically late or absent. So statistics are gone despite their plausible pertinence.
I Google. You Google. We all Google. Who cares.
Fuck Wikipedia. They are a prime example of Do Your Fucking Job! recipients.
So that leaves us with 4th of July and Mortality. Seems morbid to combine these two doesn’t it. I mean who wants to combine the celebration of the freedom of a people (whom happened to conquer and murder another people to gain it…but that’s a different Grunt.) with mortality? I do. So here we go.
Gun powder is used in the making of fireworks. Fireworks are used typically in our fat American celebration of this countries independence. ( Now you know I’m an American. Good for you) Gun powder is also used in making bullets. Why? Because gunpowder is good at propeling shit through the force created when you apply fire to it. It’s not called gunpowder because it tastes good on cereal.
Well Americans seem to think that because gunpowder is used in making fireworks and fireworks are what we shoot off in celebration that this must mean that we can shoot off anything that has gunpowder in it. Like fully automatic weapons. This seems like a mad leap of insanity to me, but I can see how you might get to this conclusion by using elementry math. It’s the people who didn’t make it past the elementry stage of life that fail to realize that a little kown force exists. This force is something called gravity for all you brainiacs out there. And what gravity means in the simplest of terms is that things that go up must come down. Down being back towards the surface of earth (the rock you’re standing on). So when a stupidly exhuberent American decides to fire his AR into the air in euphoric celebration the slugs which sling all willy nilly out of the end of the barrel eventually do a fucking u turn and come zinging back towards the planet from whence they came. If only they were programmed to return to the gun from which they were fired. Unfortunately they have a tendency to zing right on down randomly perferating objects in their way. Like a roof, a car or a skull. This would seem to me to be a reasonable reason to not fire a fucking gun up in the air. But then again I made it all the way through elementary school, like a boss.
I myself am a gun owner, as such I have taken upon myself the responsibilty of knowing what my obligations are. Learning safety, handling and appropriate function of said firearms. You might say that as a gun owner I’ve made sure to do my job.
So to all you cerebral giants out there who own guns and have decided that firing them up in the air in celebratory glee is a good idea I have only one thing to say….
DO YOUR FUCKING JOB!!!!
DOYOUREFFINGJOB.COM 